Too Kinds of Person #1: Average Jo(beth)

There I was, sitting in my car, in my closed garage, for going on half an hour, in the dark. I just got home. The automatic light from the garage door turned off since I wasn’t getting out to set off the motion sensor. The only light came from my phone. I couldn’t stop staring at it. One of my girlfriends texted me about an encounter she had at work. It’s one sentence, but also much more than that.

“Hi random, but WHY DOES IT STING SO MUCH WHEN PEOPLE SAY STUFF LIKE

‘Oooooo ur too nice, I never would’ve done that, etc, etc, etc’?

I’ve always loved how I could hear her voice in my head through her texts.

My immediate mental response?

“SIS. You came to the RIGHT GIRL. Where to BEGIN.”

Reading her text, I instantly felt a slew of emotions. Annoyed, because someone said this to a person whose kindness is part of what I adore about them. Frustrated, because I have experienced this very conversation time and time again. And absolutely, unequivocally, passionately fired up because this happens to so many people I know, and no one ever talks about it. The subsequent text conversation was filled with moments of “EXACTLY,” “THISSSS,” and “OK, PREACH.” Once our chat was done, I decided this needs to be a larger conversation. Because there was no way that we were the only “Too” kinds of people out here.

Whether it is due to societal expectations, the criticism of others, or the harsh view people tend to have on themselves, so many have spent their lives meticulously managing parts of who they are. Facing fear of rejection or judgment for being too much of something, they hide. Too nice, too quiet, too loud, too naive, too confident, too sensitive, too soft, too afraid, too late. The list goes on. The questions this has me constantly asking is :

• What actually constitutes too much of a certain part of one’s personality?

• By what and whose standards is “too much” of something based on? 

• Are we mislabeling one another by misunderstanding?

• What if these traits are exactly what makes us who we are? Or what we’re meant to bring to this world?

• What if it isn’t too much at all? Could it be a person’s strength instead? 

• How do we discern between when someone is truly too much of something and when it’s just who they are?

• Could we as a society be better off embracing these traits in ourselves and one another as opposed to hiding them or criticizing others for them? 

• Could we as individuals live fuller lives if we leaned into these characteristics within us? 

I want to create a safe space and encourage people to take the opportunity to ask these questions of themselves. People, especially women, are often told that we are “too much” of something. We’ve heard it so much that not only have we started to believe it, but we are changing who we are and how we interact with our world. However, there have been those who, despite the judgment, criticism, or influence of others, have been able to stand gently grounded in who they know themselves to be. Maya Angelou was told she was too tender, but her gentle strength is undeniable in her writing, as she refuses to let sexual abuse or racism harden her tender heart. The late Ruth Bader Ginsburg was seen by some as too quiet for her position, but as the first woman on the Supreme Court, her quiet voice continues to be one of the most influential in history. Princess Diana was called too sensitive by the public and the royal family. Yet it is precisely that sensitivity and vulnerability that allowed her to connect with others, making her the people’s princess. There are so many incredible Too Kinds of People to discuss! So the question stands- where do I begin?

Gandhi said it best, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” If my goal is to get people to talk about their experiences being “too much” of something, why not start with me? What makes me a Too Kind of Person? Aside from my endless list of Too’s, why am I the right person to kick off this conversation?

I often joke and tell my husband that I am very much an "Average Jo(beth)”. I have always tended to land right in the middle of everything. An average student, average singer in choir, average piano player, dancer, swimmer, etc. I do all these things decently enough to say that I can do them, but it stops there. Straddling the line between being the best of the worst and the worst of the best is my sweet spot and comfort zone.

Coincidentally, this was true in another aspect. I was straddling two worlds constantly. I am proud to say I’m a first-generation Filipino-American. Therefore, growing up with immigrant parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, my cousins and I were directly immersed in Filipino culture while simultaneously attending American schools, learning American history, and growing up constantly exposed to American culture as well. I can understand Tagalog (the main language of the Philippines), but I only speak English. Landed right in the middle of that one, too.

I also grew up with one foot in the Napa Valley and the other in the Bay Area. Whether due to where my extended family lived, where my friends were from, where I went to school, or where my childhood home was, I could feel that the refinement and luxury of Napa Valley was simply a right turn, and the unapologetic diversity of the Bay Area was a left. Smack dab in the middle of both.

Growing up in the middle of different cultures, I often found myself being “too something” for one side because of something I developed in the other. For example, I might’ve been “too shy” in the American culture in which extroversion is favored in terms of success, but “too loud” as a young Filipina, which could be misconstrued as talking back or being disrespectful. Constantly having to navigate between worlds gave me the ability to shift perspectives and step into the shoes of the other side of just about anything. This form of empathy, though at times frustrating, has been a gift that has enabled me to develop self-awareness and a flexible perspective. So, as it turns out, being average in all of these other things has led me to excel in empathy, self-awareness, and perspective. In navigating life with my Too’s, these three traits have been crucial to have in my toolbox. Or should I say- my TOOlbox. *pause for snaps

I have spent so much of my life catering to my Too’s by making myself smaller, more tolerable to others, and easier to accept. I know others have as well. Understandably so. When it comes down to it, we, as humans, often take action toward what we believe will bring us peace. We often will choose what we can live with. We choose what won’t end in regret. We act in ways that will ensure our social survival, the acceptance of others, and that we will be able to live with ourselves.

Here’s another example for you. One of my biggest Too’s is that people have often called me “too nice”. Which is why I was so ready when my friend reached out to me. Because of this, I worried that people see me as a pushover, weak, or as an easy target. Therefore, in situations where I otherwise would have shown kindness, I have instead chosen stoicism or even coldness because I didn’t want to be seen as those aforementioned things. However, it didn’t bring me peace. It didn’t even necessarily bring me favor. All it did was not rock the boat, and I walked away with regret anyway because I know the difference a little bit of kindness can make. And I consciously denied someone kindness. There is no peace to be had here. If anything, I deprived the world of good energy, a person of what could’ve been the only positivity in their day, and myself the chance to embrace who I am and do what I do best. It ended up taking more effort not to be myself. WHY? I shrank myself when really what I should have been doing was taking up my space and creating more for others to join me.

That starts here.

Why am I so passionate about this topic? Not only have I been navigating my Too’s since I was young, but I believe many of us have and still do, perhaps without even realizing it. I know what it’s like to live in fear of my Too’s. It’s unfulfilling, stagnant, fake, and unsettling. As though you’ve forced yourself to walk a mile in shoes that aren’t even yours. You accumulate an unease that you can’t quite put your finger on. But when you start to embrace your Too’s by using empathy, self-awareness, and perspective, we are able to not only transform our Too’s into our greatest gifts but also to accept ourselves while putting our best into a world that so desperately needs it. We turn what we see as problematic parts of our personalities into our gifted strengths and unique talents. I wish so badly for others to see their Too’s the way I do.

In the end, what that text from my friend truly made me feel above all was seen. She saw that I could empathize with her on this. She had seen my struggle with this very thing, and that I, of all people, knew how to navigate it both within myself and in life. This is why I am honored to start our conversation in this journey as Too Kind of People.