The Whole Damn Circus
As I wiped smeared banana from the high chair tray, I watched with a full heart while my husband entertained our baby in the playpen. Lately, our little guy has discovered the magic of looking up. Lights, trees, and ceiling fans fascinate him. On this day, his wide eyes were locked on Papa, who had picked up three plastic toy balls and started juggling. I was just as impressed as the baby. All I ever do is roll the balls to him or bang them together to mimic clapping. “I wish I was a juggler,” I thought. Then, I couldn’t help but laugh at myself for even having that thought. Because I am well aware — I’m the whole damn circus.
The Juggler: I may have one baby in my arms, but there is so much more in the balance. Some are external factors: the laundry, dishes, the endless bottles that need to be washed. Diaper changes. Recognizing the baby’s cues. And an ever-aware eye for any potential safety hazards. Then there are the things unseen: anxiety, constantly second-guessing yourself, the fact that trusting your own intuition becomes a deliberate choice (let alone trusting your partner). The comparison to other parents. The unsolicited advice from everyone and anyone. The fear of looking like a bad parent, disappointing your partner, or failing your child. Remembering yourself. Choosing to fill your own cup. Reminding yourself that you cannot fill the baby’s cup if yours is empty too.
The Aerialist: Sometimes, the only thing that will bring our little guy out of a funk is the sensation of flying. As I sing “My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean”, I hold him by the underarms and act as his safety harness as he swings back and forth and his funk turns to smiles, which turns to giggles, which turns to tummy laughs— and we can never get enough of those. So, I’m more than happy to become his personal trapeze, among other things.
The Shape-Shifter: Our little guy is a master crawler. Any day now, he’ll be walking circles around us. My husband and I have rearranged our house, put a fence around our entire living room, replaced and bolted down furniture, and there is still so much on our list to do. But even as the biggest threats are neutralized, I find myself constantly hovering around as he plays, ready to shapeshift into a fence between him and certain peril, the stilts that help him to stand tall, or the trampoline that he can safely jump up and down on.
Tightrope Walker: In motherhood, it feels like there is a fine line between success and falling fifty feet, smacking into the ground below. Every day is different, meaning what may have helped yesterday might not today. Sometimes, life feels like a series of trial-and-error choices. The errors can feel like a plummeting misstep, Meanwhile delicately making it across the tightrope, like an impressive feat.
Contortionist: The word “mama” sometimes seems like an umbrella term for all the roles that being a mama actually includes. We bend and twist to become what we need to for our babies. Within minutes, I transition from being the safety officer to the sanitation department, then to transportation. I go from sanctuary to the void for him to scream into. From the snack police to the num num provider.
The Snake Charmer: This little boy is making the most out of his new ability to be mobile, but there is no method to the madness. He twists, turns, lunges, rolls, dives, climbs, stands, pulls, pushes, bends, and yanks whenever he feels like it. No rhyme, no reason aside from the fact that he can. Considering each new move is a skill unlocked, I don’t blame him. Though it does put me in the position of anticipating his every random move, following along with his random flow, and trying to guide him toward a safer direction. Often, I end up using more than just my hands. Our little squirmy wormy requires my arms, legs, torso, and sometimes even face or head, all working in tandem as he assumes some kind of slithering position, often toward the edge of whatever we may be sitting on.
The Bearded Woman: In the early weeks of motherhood (and sometimes to this day), I look in the mirror and realize it’s been a while since I’ve taken care of the woman looking back at me. And it shows. Greasy hair that holds its form when she takes it out of the messy bun, dark spots under the eyes from the leftover mascara she tried to make herself feel pretty with the day before, skin drier than the Sahara, and a posture that personifies defeat with an aura to match. But as I look into her eyes, I can see all that she has accomplished, and all that she carries.
The Strong Man: Not only is being a new parent a huge responsibility, but it can weigh on your emotions, mentality, self-image, self-esteem, confidence, relationship with your partner, the previous dynamics of every relationship in your life, and, of course, your baby just gets heavier and heavier. Our wonderful village has been key in helping us hold it all together, but there are some things that only I, as mama, am in a position to lift. And sometimes, that can bring out the beast.
The Lion Tamer: I was warned that sometimes having a new baby can feel like you’re dealing with a wild animal. They can’t tell you what they’re thinking, they are always hungry, and are often unpredictable. However, I feel like I had a much bigger beast to tame- myself. I’m just as new to parenting as my baby is to this world. It was so frustrating at times that I wanted to roar at the top of my lungs and tear everything around me to shreds. My sleep deprivation gave me a short temper. The routines that once brought me peace were now impossible. Every time my husband, who is just as new to parenting as I am, would do something differently than I would, it would take everything in me to keep from biting his head off. I’ve never had to use this kind of whip-cracking self-talk before. “Noooo. NO. Calm. I SAID CALM. Ok good, now sit. SIT! Breathe. STAY. CHHHT! NO I SAID STAY.” With a few calming breaths, it works, the lion purrs, and the show goes on.
The Ring-Leader: Every day is different. There are mornings when my husband and I look at our baby and can see a change from the night before. Just as many changes are happening inside our baby, so our strategies and routines must constantly adapt. Being a parent in this day and age, there are answers, options, and infinite sources of information in the palm of our hand. It can be tempting to simply follow the easy advice from anyone called something like @parentingfordummies. It can be so alluring to take shortcuts. But you’re the leader of this show. You call the shots. You make the best decisions you can for your baby. It can be hard, but you bring a method to the madness and a purpose to the circus. Everything this ragtag cast of circus freaks does is for the love of one thing and one thing only— the audience.
The Audience: Our baby. This whole time, I thought we were here to show him something. But as I sit here, watching our son’s eyes grow wide as my husband juggles, I realize something. To witness our child’s mind fill with wonder and his heart swell with awe is truly the greatest show on earth. And I feel so lucky to have a front row seat.
