A Risky Little Game
I’ve waited all the livelong day to have the chance to sit at my desk and write. Baby’s asleep, husband is still working, and grandma is home safe after visiting. Dishes are done, clothes are put away, and bottles are sterilized. Now, some time for me. Some time for what I love to do.
Ten minutes later, and here I am. Scrolling on my phone, watching the baby videos from today, and looking up palazzo pants because I’ve always wanted a pair. How is it that I’m somehow still waiting to write? I don’t even have any real excuses not to. Accepting that I’ve wasted enough time stalling, I decide to fall back on a reliable method to get the ballpoint pen rolling. I have a stack of books about the creative process and writing on my desk that I like to pick from and thumb through when I need inspiration, or more realistically, courage to get started.
Today, William Zinsser’s book On Writing Well: The Classic Guide to Writing Nonfiction called to me. In the very first chapter, Zinsser makes a point that the topic on which an author writes is not as important as what their writing says about them.
“Ultimately the product that any writer has to sell is not the subject being written about, but who he or she is.” — Zinsser pg.5
That’s what he said. But what I heard was
“So it doesn’t even matter what you write about. You just better do a good job of it.” — Pascual-Saqueton’s fear of failure
It’s now been about fifteen minutes since I “finally” sat down, and I’m not sure Zinsser’s words are what I wanted to hear. “I can write about whatever?! Literally anything?! After all the articles, videos, and advice I’ve read advising to find your niche as a writer, what this book is telling me is that IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER?!” I came looking for a writing idea, and what I was left with was a mix of emotions. Mostly panic. This opened up an entire world of possible writing topics. If the past twenty minutes haven’t told you already, I’m indecisive about what to write as it is. More options would be only be crippling.
Or would it be? As someone who suffers from clutter-blindness, usually the more options I’m given, the more confused or stressed out I get, resulting in my giving up entirely or letting someone else choose for me. But, as always, the practice of writing is challenging what I thought I knew about myself by making me practice getting to know myself.
One of my favorite TV shows of all time is Friends. I’ve watched all ten seasons through countless times. If you showed me a freeze frame, I could probably tell you what episode it’s from. Something I love about watching certain shows over and over again is that as you watch the same scene at a different point in your life, you tend to get something different out of it. Or, scenes that didn’t mean anything to me before would suddenly strike a chord with me now.
In the episode entitled “The One After I Do”, Rachel takes a pregnancy test. It’s just her and her two best friends, Monica and Phoebe, in the bathroom at the reception of Monica’s wedding. Rachel is single, was not planning on having a baby at this time in her life, and only she knows who the father is. She is so nervous about the results, she can’t look. So Phoebe looks for her.
“It’s negative,” Phoebe says in the supportive, non-biased way only the truest friend can. She and Monica don’t know if this is good or bad news for Rachel. They stand by, ready to be in full support of whatever Rachel decides. Rachel finally says, “Oh. Well, there you go! Phew! That is — that is really great. That is great news. Yenno, ’cause the whole.. not being ready and kind of financial aspects of — wow, this is so just the way this was supposed to be.” But then she starts crying. “God, this is so stupid! How can I be upset over something I never had?” With sudden heartbreak and disbelief, Rachel asks again, “It's negative?” Phoebe reveals, “No. It’s positive.” The tears are now ones of joy. Phoebe says, “Well, now you know how you really feel about it!” Smiling, Rachel replies, “Well, that’s a risky little game!”
Rachel wasn’t sure about how she felt about the possibility of having a baby. Even if she looked at the test herself and saw that it was positive, she still wouldn’t have known her true feelings. With her, albeit risky, tactic, Phoebe placed Rachel in one reality and forced her to come to terms with it.
Though this scene depicted a much more life-altering moment than I ever faced sitting at this desk, I use Phoebe’s “risky little game” often. When at a fork in the road, I imagine living in the reality of each choice and sitting in the emotions it comes with. Ultimately, what I am choosing are the feelings, emotions, and inner peace that may or may not come with each option. This method has saved me (and the people around me) countless minutes in our lives.
So. What about these thirty minutes that have now gone by with me sitting here at my desk with nothing written? At least five of them have now been spent watching clips from Friends on YouTube. I can’t say I regret them. Well, going back to Zinsser’s words, I decided to just look at the options of what I could write about today. Okay, so they’re endless. Putting a pin in the panic for a second. Let’s just look at one. Then two. Then, almost like the eye doctor, I ask myself, “Which is a clearer topic of inspiration for you, one or two?” Playing Phoebe’s risky little game, I picture myself writing on topic number one. It feels good. Honestly, it excites me. There are probably five subtopics I could touch on within it. Now, topic number two. It feels like regret. Like, I wish I had picked number one. Back to my mental eye doctor, “One? Okay! Now, how about one or topic number three?” Once I’ve chosen the same topic three times in a row, I know that’s the topic for me. Not only that, but after going through this process to find my topic, I then become excited about writing on it.
“What holds me is the enthusiasm of the writer for his field.”- Zinsser pg. 5
Or in this case, her field.
Buckle in, Mr. Zinsser. Because I’ve wasted enough time.
And I’m ready to play a risky little game.
